How Hard Is Holding On?

Darkness Is A Fucker

Here’s the thing, ok? You’re not alone. Darkness is a pretty scary thing. Some may think you’re just sad, yet you know it is so much more. You know that sadness would be a welcome feeling compared to the darkness you may be getting crushed by with this depression and/or anxiety.

God, how do we get them to understand. How do you get them to understand when so often, they look at you and they see smiles. They see happiness. They see laughter and hear jokes.

They don’t know though, they don’t know that right there, hiding behind the thinnest of veils. Darkness looms. A dark that is deeper than a moonless 2AM night. A dark that is driven by uncontrollable depression, anxiety, and more.

– You hide…

Today

Today we deal with the situation at hand. The country sits in a battle with quarantine. Diversion separates individuals further than in years past, riots, fear of the unknown, the uncharted waters are that of a class 5 hurricane we are all attempting to navigate in a damn canoe.

And just 30 minutes ago I heard this news.

A prominent ER doctor at a New York City hospital. A Dr. that put countless others before herself, treating many coronavirus patients day after day. A Dr. that took her own life. Died by suicide on Sunday.

Dr. Lorna M. Breen, the medical director of the emergency department at NewYork-Presbyterian Allen Hospital.

I can promise that she wouldn’t want ANYONE to feel what she felt. She wouldn’t want YOU to feel what you may be feeling. She wouldn’t want the person across the room to possibly be feeling what they may be feeling.

And here’s the thing, she didn’t commit suicide. Suicide isn’t something we “commit”. Suicide is an illness. It’s not a choice. And “committing” sounds like a choice.

You don’t commit a heart attack do you? You don’t commit cancer? Heck, You don’t commit coronavirus. They are all due to illness. Such is suicide.

Here’s the best part. This illness isn’t going to win today. YOU are stronger than it. IT is weak and while you may be in a weak moment, YOU are strong. Really, you are pure strength. You may not feel it at the moment, someone else may have robbed you of that belief. But I am here, and I believe. And so do SO MANY OTHERS!!!

YOU ARE STRENGTH AND YOU ARE MORE THAN THIS MOMENT!

You’re Caged

I know, I know. Fuck strength right?

You feel like there is no way out right now. You may feel trapped. You may feel hopeless.

But listen okay, NO! Don’t tell me I don’t get it. Because I do (more than you can know).

So listen.

YOU are not alone. YOU matter and believe it or not, no matter what you’re feeling or who you are. We fucking need you!

Remember these two men we tragically lost?

Everyone saw them at their best. Everyone saw two remarkable individuals who were some of the best at their craft. They made us laugh, they made us think, they brought us hope. Somewhere though, on the surface or deep inside, a struggle. As bright as they were, as creative and skilled as they were. There was a struggle… And looking into their eyes, even in these photos, you, or at least I, can see the pain. It hurts to the core, looking them in the eyes, because that’s how much of it I can see.

Why do I say this, because I miss them. I didn’t even personally know them. But I miss them. I don’t know you either. But I will miss you. More than that, those around you. People who know you. Family. Friends. Acquaintances. – Someone who sees you at the coffee shop on the daily, someone who sees you as they walk their dog every morning or evening. There are SO MANY PEOPLE THAT WILL MISS YOU.

So listen. I know it’s real, what you’re feeling. I don’t discredit you and I don’t want you to discredit yourself. So instead, if you need to, or want to. You can call or message me, because I get it. 860.977.9269 or call 1-800-273-8255

I am here for you. More than that though, there are so SO many other people here for you.

Furthermore, you’re not alone. These days are so incredibly hard for so many people. Heck some of them, this feeing of depression or anxiety is new. They could probably use you right now to help them!

You maybe had a grasp on what you were feeling just weeks ago. And then the world was up-ended.

You may have had a routine that held the darkness at bay, And then the world was up-ended.

You may have had a support system in your days, and then the world was up-ended.

Want to know the best part though?

The Best Part

The best part is that this isn’t over, and I don’t mean that as in “great, this shit is going to go on forever”.

I mean it as in, this isn’t over. YOU are not over. Right now may suck some serious, “can I say moose balls?”, suck some serious moose balls. (guess I can say it). So while right now sucks. later won’t.

We will get through this, and when we do, I honestly believe that so many individuals are going to have a shift in their energies. I feel as though there will be more appreciation for growth. For life as we know it. For others well being.

You don’t want to miss that do you? Ummmm. NO!

Look at what’s happening, the earth is showing us some pretty remarkable things right now, and I think you’re pretty remarkable right now. So stand tall, breathe deep and when you’re at the end of your rope. Call or text me. 860.977.9269 or call 1-800-273-8255. Not I nor anyone else will EVER judge you else for just needing help. For needing a shoulder. Or needing to talk. We might even need to talk to you right now because we are all going through something.

So listen, I believe in you. And that’s why I am going to ride my bike from Washington State to Washington DC. Because you matter. Because I matter. And because everyone fighting with mental illness and reaching for mental health, matters. Don’t you want to follow along to see how many times I crash or how many flat tires I get?

Through the 3700+ miles I ride. If in those miles I can bring awareness to just one person who can help save another persons life. If I can have one individual take on the strength to be there for others in the time of need. If I can have just one person, stand a little taller with a little more self pride. Then all of those miles, all of that pain, and all of the hardship will be worth it.

Because YOU are worth it.

The universe may throw some twists and turns into your story, creating a tangled road map, but you know what, you will still grow into something so incredibly beautiful!

Now go on with your bad self and be brave enough to just get through this moment and know that you are loved.

Read More About My Cross Country Ride Toward Mental Health Awareness Here